I like the idea...

I like the idea...

Pretty consistently in my life I have had some crazy, vivid dreams. There have been many nights where I will wake up and it will take a few moments to remember where I am and to realize that what I just saw was in fact, my imagination.

I have always loved these weird, off the wall and vivid dreams, and I never really thought too much of them, but I enjoyed waking up and trying to remember my dreams.

Recently, I dreamt about Sydnie for the first time after her accident. I have had images in my dreams before of Syd and James together, but I was just looking at them. We had never had a conversation or interacted with each other; I would just see them from a far and watch them play together.

This dream was different. It happened a few days after her birthday, the first one we celebrated after her accident. In this dream my mom, myself and Sydnie were all walking through my parents neighborhood and we were going to go get our nails done. It was so nice outside and we were all just walking and enjoying each other's company and our time together, it felt like the most perfect spring/summer day. In this dream I looked at Syd and told her, “I’m so glad that you are okay. After your accident we were so afraid we were going to lose you, but I’m so glad you’re here with us.” She looked at me, smiled, and said “It’s okay, I’m okay. I’m happy.” Then, we just continued to walked, nobody else said anything and everything felt back to normal. It felt so real. I woke up in a cold sweat and realizing it was just a dream was really disappointing.

On my way to work I called my mom to tell her about it and tell her how sad I was, that I missed Syd and I wished I was still dreaming. My mom's response was a very loud “UGH! You’re so LUCKY!” She told me that she hasn’t gotten to dream about Syd yet but she really wants to. She wants to be able to see Syd again, smiling and laughing the way we most often saw her. It was from listening to her perspective that I realized this dream was in some way a gift.

I’m not sure how other woman who have lost their babies due to miscarriage have experienced dreams but when I dream about James, when I actually get to see him, I don’t see him as a baby. He is always 3 or 4 years old. When I see him he is running and playing, always with Syd, somewhere sunny and warm. I asked my husband if he pictures James, what he said he sees and his description of James, without ever knowing how I saw our son, was almost identical to mine.

Treating these dreams I have as a gift is something I am trying really hard to do. It’s hard to condition your brain into thinking a certain way if it doesn’t come natural. The same way I had to stop focusing on the missing future of Syd’s life, and instead focus on the memories I made with her. Instead of crying over the fact that we won’t see her learn to drive, graduate high school or get married, I’ve started to think about all the fun things we did get to do. The days we spent at the dog park, the evenings where we would bake cupcakes, or the nights we would lounge around and watch movies. When I told my family and friends about this dream I had of Syd, almost everyone responded back with “That’s Sydnie coming back to you and letting you know that she’s okay. She’s telling you that you don’t need to worry about her anymore, she is happy.”

I’m not sure what I believe, about anything. I just don’t know. I wished I did, but I like the idea that it was Sydnie coming back to me, even just for a few minutes. I like the idea that she is up in Heaven, playing with James, jumping on clouds and eating ice cream for dinner, or however else you might imagine Heaven to be. I like the idea that sometimes I feel her around me. Has anybody else felt that after losing a loved one? I remember there was a day where I was driving home and I was singing along to the radio and suddenly I just felt her next to me, I didn’t see her or anything like that, but I felt her presence next to me and I knew without a shadow of a doubt, it was Syd.

I like the idea that she is still around, getting to see everything. Mount Rainier, The Great Wall, Hawaii, Bali.. She gets to see it all now, I like the idea that she is out there getting to see it all since her time with us was cut too short… but I am glad that every once in a while, if it is true or just a part of my crazy imagination, I like the idea that she gets to come back and visit me too.

Have you experienced anything like this from the people you have lost in your life? I hope it has brought you comfort, the same way this brings me comfort.

Grieving as a Newly Wed

Grieving as a Newly Wed