Welcome to My Journey as I Learn to Roll with the Punches
You know that saying “We plan, God laughs”? I never really thought too much of it until I sat down and started thinking about this past year, 2018. My friends and family who know me really well know that I am a planner. I have the big plan, the sub plan, the back-up plan and the day-to-day plan.
What a joke.
As my husband likes to tell me being laid back is not one of my “big” qualities. being flexible and just going with the flow does not come naturally to me. I know I’m not the only one here.
It was a HARD lesson to learn that no matter how much you try to plan your life, nothing really actually goes to plan.
My husband and I planned to have a baby. We planned a gorgeous wedding with all of our friends and family. We planned a life with his daughter, my step-daughter. We had all these big, beautiful plans only to lose it all in one fell swoop.
In April, I found out I was pregnant. HOLY COW. We had only been trying for a month and we were THRILLED. I couldn’t wait to plan every aspect of it, the baby’s name, the nursery, the gender reveal, maternity photos, EVERYTHING. We did a blood test to find out the gender early because I could not wait any longer to find out.
On June 3rd, we were going to get married. We had everything put together and ready to go. Instead of going on a honeymoon after the wedding, myself, my husband, my daughter and my best friend were all going to go to Disneyland! My daughter was 12 and she had never been, she had never even been on a plane before. We were all SO excited!
Then on May 28th, a week before our wedding and Disney trip, we lost our daughter. It was a freak accident and by the time we got the call to get to the hospital there was nothing we could do.
In an instant everything we planned was gone. The wedding and vacation were canceled, the life plan we thought we had was nowhere to be found, the hopes and dreams that we had for this amazing girl just disappeared.
3 weeks later we go in for our 2nd ultrasound, we were so excited to see our little guy again. Oh, did I mention we were having a boy? We picked the name James. Given everything that we had been through in the last month he was our one ray of light. The one good thing we had to focus on. We loved him so much and our daughter, who was no longer here, loved him so much. Which is why it was so devastating as we watched the doctor show us that James no longer had a heartbeat. Once again, in an instant, everything we planned was gone.
So, welcome to my blog. Here we will talk about it all. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. We will hit it all. While our story may be unique, so are yours. We lost our children. I know I’m not the only woman to lose a baby, I know we aren’t the first couple to lose a child. 2018 was a year of extreme loss and heartache but it was also a year of extreme growth and there was a lot of time for self reflection. Our story at times is sad, there is no way around that, but through this tragedy we have found out just how strong we are. We have learned how important family is and we have learned what is important in our lives.
Up next, the full story of my pregnancy and the loss of our baby boy, buckle up, you’re in for a ride of emotions.