How is that Fair?
Let’s talk about finding out a friend or loved one is pregnant while you are trying -unsuccessfully- to have a baby yourself. What a wave of emotions.
First and foremost, I was jealous. Then, I was hurt. WHY do they get a baby while we still are getting negative pregnancy tests?!
Every time I find out someone else is having a baby there is a dark gray cloud hanging over my head for a few days as I throw myself a little pity party. Now, of course I am speaking from my own personal experience only, however, after talking to a few women who have had miscarriages or have been trying for YEARS to have a baby themselves with no luck, I found this is a really common feeling. I wish I would have had someone to tell me this before hand so I wouldn’t have felt like such a bad friend/person.
The first time my husband told me his coworker’s wife was pregnant I was a HOT MESS. Not only did I feel like garbage because they were getting something that I so desperately wanted but she already had kids, why does she get more after we lost ours? Not my most logical thought, but then again, I was thinking emotionally, not logically.
It took a few days but eventually I chilled out a little bit, “it’s okay” I told myself, “we will have a baby when the time is right.” I repeated this over and over again trying to make it sink it. I thought it worked until I found out they were having twins. TWINS?!
How. The. F. Is. That. Fair.
Oh, that’s right. This is real life we are talking about. When is life always fair? The fact of the matter is this couple deserves a child just as much as anybody else. I shouldn’t get all self absorbed and upset because they get what I want… but that’s the logical way to think, I am thinking emotionally.
When I found out a dear friend of mine was pregnant, she was 7 weeks, she has heard the heartbeat and it is her first pregnancy. I knew that she and her husband had been trying for a few months and I told myself she was going to get pregnant first, hoping that by preparing myself a little bit it would be a little easier. Once again; I planned, God laughed. Trying to prep myself for this didn’t make it any easier, I was still so upset that someone else had what I wanted. It sort of goes back to your toddler years. You see what your classmate/friend has and you see how much they are enjoying themselves so you walk over and you take what they have. The only difference here is I can’t take what they have. What happens when you tell a toddler “no”? Well, it’s the same thing that happened to me finding out that a friend was getting what I felt I deserved. Tears, some screaming and a lot of frustration.
After a few days of letting it sink in that my friend was going to have a baby, I found myself getting excited. I already had the perfect gift idea and I thought of a onesie that I had bought for my baby, James, before we lost him and I was about to order a matching one for my friend’s new bundle of joy when I stopped. I have been here all before. But I still lost my baby.
Suddenly, this anger and jealousy I felt evaporated and was replaced with fear and anxiety for my friend. I pray that she does not go through what I had to go through but the reality is, she still could. Right now, I am anxiously awaiting for her 2nd trimester so I can really begin to celebrate this baby that will be born just a week after my own birthday (hopefully, on my birthday, then that baby is going to be SPOILED!) Being realistic, I’m sure when she gets past the first trimester and she is out of the insanely large miscarriage window, the jealousy will come back. It’s a very natural feeling to experience, but that doesn’t make it a fun feeling to experience. It still makes you feel like a bad friend and person.
My husband was really sweet both times when I instantly started crying after finding out that someone else was having a baby before me. I was pissed off, I was sad and I was confused. Why is it so difficult to get pregnant? It wasn’t this hard the first time. He hugged me, told me it was okay to be jealous and upset and made a little joke to make me laugh. He knew exactly what I needed in that moment. However, no matter how amazing my husband is, he isn’t with me 24/7 (as much as I wish he was), he can’t be there to wipe away all my tears and tell me a silly little joke every time I need a pick me up. Also, as much as he may try, he just doesn’t understand what it feels like to carry around your child in your belly only to lose them before they are even born, he just can’t understand it. Just like how I don’t get what it feels like to see my loved one go through a miscarriage, to feel helpless when all you can offer is a hug and an “I’m sorry.”
What I needed and what I didn’t have was to have a friend or perhaps even a stranger be able to sit beside me and say “Yep. I know exactly how you feel. Finding out she gets a baby when you don’t; you feel like punching a hole in the wall, don’t you?” I needed to know that what I was feeling was normal and I wasn’t crazy. I needed to know that I wasn’t alone.
Maybe you just lost a baby. Maybe you lost a baby 5 years ago or 20 years ago, maybe it was even 40 years ago but you don’t ever talk about it. I bet you think about it. Maybe not everyday or perhaps not even very often but do you think about that baby that you loved and lost? Would having someone who has been where you have been being there to support you made it any easier for you? Maybe you can be that person for someone else, all you have to do is share your story. Easier said than done, right?