My Own Personal Boomerang
I have had a lot of women reach out to me since I have been so vocal about my miscarriage, which is amazing! I absolutely love it because it not only makes me feel as though I’m not alone because yes, someone else does understand a little bit of how I’m feeling, but I love the amount of support we all have for one another, I think it is SO important to feel a sense of love from the community around you. From all of the women I have talked to there seems to be a common theme that I would like to address: guilt.
I’m not saying every woman who has lost a child has experienced this however it seems like a vast majority of woman have, myself included. When I lost James I was convinced it was my fault. If you have read my nice long post about my pregnancy you will know I was 100% sure that I didn’t protect him, I couldn’t take care of him the way that I was supposed to, and I just simply wasn’t enough. When we were told that we lost James the doctor told me “one of the millions of things that have to go right to have a healthy baby just didn’t go right”. I told myself for a long time that I was that one thing, I was the one piece of the puzzle that was just didn’t fit. I had convinced myself that that was the reason I couldn’t get pregnant again, it was so easy the first time around why was it so impossible now?
One of the things that I found when dealing with guilt is I felt so relieved when I was able to actually talk about it. I felt free from this thought that had been holding me down. First I only wrote about it, go figure, the blogger writing about her feelings? But seriously, writing down these thoughts you have in your heart, your brain just allows you to move away from it for a little while. A wise man once told me “unresolved thoughts and feelings are like a boomerang. You might be able to throw it away for awhile, but they will always come back.” and wow, was he right. I struggled with guilt over losing James for a long time. Too long. I was able to push these thoughts away for a while, threw them out of my mind, but they always came back. After a while of trying not to think about it, I started getting reminded about it everyday. The night after my daughter's accident I laid in bed and prayed to whomever is out there and I told them that if we had to lose one of our children, to take James, not Sydnie. Our daughter was amazing, she was so special and she had a life. She had friends, she had likes and dislikes, she was a real person, James only knew me. If we had to lose a child it couldn’t be Syd, it just couldn’t be. It was within the next two days that we lost James. It was obviously because of me, right? We lost him because I wasn’t cut out to be a mom, I wasn’t enough for him, this was all a test and I failed, miserably.
In therapy my therapist shared with me that she too struggled with infertility and she too had a miscarriage. She explained to me how the majority of miscarriages were do to chromosomal abnormalities. I had never heard of this before, my OBGYN never told me about this. For those of you who haven’t heard what this is, here is what I learned: if a pregnancy is viable that baby will survive even the most harsh circumstances. That little baby in there is so protected and surrounded by safety that if there is anyway that baby can survive, it will. I was convinced that we lost James because of the stress I was under from my daughters accident. I’ve slowly (very slowly) began coming to terms with understanding that James just wasn’t meant to be here. Some chromosomes just don’t work together. It’s devastating and unfair and it is earth shattering. Some babies just can’t survive through pregnancy. There is nothing that could have prevented it, there is nothing that you can do to change it and it is in absolutely no way, your fault.
As soon as I wrote down what I had been telling myself I found myself still thinking about it, but instead it was every couple days, and then every couple weeks. After you write it down, share it with someone. You don’t have to say it out loud, that was something that I struggled with. I wasn’t even able to physically speak the words out loud to my therapist, I had to write it in an email. To this day I have only spoke the reasons for my guilt twice. Once to my husband and once to my sister. I remember being so proud of myself when I finally spoke it out loud because it was something that I never thought I could form the words to actually say out loud. Even if you can’t say it, share it with someone. A loved one, a parent, a friend, even a stranger. You can even email me and tell me, I will be here for you.
It was through sharing this with others I learned what a chromosomal abnormality is and I learned that my pregnancy with James was never going to be what I had dreamed it to be. From the moment he was conceived his story had already been written and there was nothing that I could have done to change it. I loved that baby, the same way that I loved my daughter, the same way I will love any future children we are blessed to have. Had I not talked about this guilt I had been facing for more then 7 months now, I never would have found any sort of peace about my miscarriage.
It took me a long time to realize that, and I wish it didn’t take as long to click for me as it did, but since I had that little light bulb go off in my head I have been able to move on from blaming myself for losing my son and move on in this grieving process. I hope you can too.